I’ve done an amount of thinking tonight. There was a lot of it, to be sure, but I’m not going to recount it all here. I’ve realized that even though this is my anonymous blog, my thoughts are still my own, thank-you-very-much.
The main arc of these thoughts was centered around possibilities. If they exist, and if I should give a damn. At first I simply caught myself imagining playing guitar and writing a book, etc., which isn’t uncommon, but I wondered why. I keep these daydreams (nightdreams, really, but that’s besides the point) around, but either never consider pursuing them or sometimes just regard them as an impossibility. And, because I’m rarely just thinking and usually am entertaining myself with some songs in my head, “Sing” by The Dresden Dolls floats up. Specifically, the lyrics “There is this thing keeping everyone’s lungs and lips locked/It is called fear and it’s seeing a great renaissance”. I think about it and realize that, as well as I can guess, it’s mostly fear of disapproval from others keeping me from pursuing these thoughts. Although, it’s not the fear I’m used to. It’s not a feeling conveniently labeled “You Are Scared”. It’s heavily disguised as those “Well, you’d probably just quit once you started anyway…” kind of thoughts. And the idea that fear could be so thoroughly ingrained so as to seem like logic is, well, scary.
Now, I’m not going to starting singing, as the song suggests, because I’m plain not good at it. Similarly, despite the epiphany, I’m realistic enough to know that playing guitar is damn hard and I’m most likely not cut out for it. But writing words is easy. I’m doing it right now, again and again. I could certainly give that a shot.
Other than that, as the reader will likely be glad to hear, I’ve realized that teenage epiphanies are, for the most part, bad blog topics. They’re uninteresting, and usually founded on poor logic and only last for an adolescent phase anyway. So, I’m going to do my best to avoid that. What else I have to blog about remains to be seen. Maybe nothing. If so, oh well.
That’s all. I wish you good night and good morrow.